PROtein, not ANTItein

Listen here, people. I'm Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., the United States Secretary of Health and Human Services. And just because my voice sounds like a frog dying in a malfunctioning garbage disposal does not mean I don't know what I'm talking about. But we have a problem in this country, and it starts with a "P." No, I don't mean the "paranoia," or "plunder," or "prejudice," or "pathetic performative pageantry." Folks, I'm talking about PROTEIN, and the war that's been declared on it. I'm here to urge you to fight back.

For too long, Americans have been hoodwinked into believing that their grandmothers' baked rolls were tasty. They've been lured into the psychological trap of enjoying peanuts at a baseball game. They've been blindfolded to the truth that feeding cranky children with noodles isn't the answer simply because they'd squawk like a goose with rabies and sound exactly like me if they didn't get them. And this is why the USDA has issued a new food pyramid as of January 7th:

Now that's what I'm talking about! Protein is right up there where it belongs, along with a bunch of other things that are very affordable all across our country at the moment, I assume. There's a can there, and one of those baggie things, so probably, right? The point is, rice has finally been put in its place and we are one step closer to winning this brutal war in defense of our beloved deli and dairy products.

Because only by heeding the advice of senior meat industry executives and charging forward like a bull that we'll eventually consume can we be better as a nation. This is a battle in the trenches and animal flesh is our sole salvation as a republic. Our society is starved of protein, but I promise, only for now. We will overcome, as long as you'll stand with me.

The fact is that the entire concept of protein as fallen out of favor, mostly due to rogue demonic quinoa enthusiasts. They're everywhere! Wheat berry this, digestive health that, it's ridiculous. What's incredible to me how many of you don't realize how deeply our neighborhoods have been infiltrated with the enemy's PSYOPs. I just created seventeen new facial wrinkles thinking about it. The protein scarcity is real, everyone. We're in danger out there.

Only a fool would be unable to see this, like someone who would constantly make wild and dangerous pronouncements about things they don't understand. Yet that's who we're up against, my friends! We're in a charcuterie war and they're denying you your salami! Don't let those bean and tofu lovers tell you how it is, what with their smugness and sneers. How else are we going to acquire our vital protein?

You can take it from me, a man whose head looks like a fig that got stuck inside an air fryer and who speaks in a voice reminiscent of the tones from a mid-1990's dial-up modem. And to reiterate, I know what I'm talking about. This is a war. We must never relent, lest our slimy opponents succeed in their effort to eradicate us of our precious protein. Our country has been starved of this crucial resource in an effort to thwart our very being. Now is the time to take action!