Voiture à Pain

To be clear, this is not a blog site about motor vehicles, or I would spend all my time on here typing in all caps about how many people are UTTER PSYCHOPATHS about the ones they drive. Too many humans I'm aware of view these things as status symbols and remain convinced that you do too, and by the way, isn't their version better than yours? Just look at this marvel of modern engineering and compare it to the box of rust that you've crammed yourself into! Clearly I'm superior to everyone else on the road (especially you!) because I've spent half my adult life thinking about this and have obviously never made a poor choice.

No, dear reader, we avoid that as much as possible here, which is aided by the fact that I have whatever the car-version of prosopagnosia is, meaning outside of size and color, every one of them looks the same to me. However, I inadvertently stumbled upon photos of the newest electric Renault 5 recently and felt compelled to comment on some of the coolest interior features it exhibits. Behold!

For starters, here we have the gear shift, whose handle is shaped like a lipstick case:

Vive les lèvres!

This is a wonderful innovation considering my above complaint about vehicle obsessors was primarily directed at men. I'm not in Renault's marketing department, so it's possible that's not the target audience here, but it's not like it serves a function other than looking like lipstick. You are able to select options for the theme you display, which I guess is something, though I have no idea how you can ever unsee the makeup tube vibe. Also, am I wrong in thinking that unless that gear shift pulls forward, it will run directly into the windshield wiper control as soon as you use it? Just brilliant design all around. Next:

"Console" has more than a single definition, and this image somehow applies more to the needing comfort one.

Well, ooh la la! Here we have another customizable feature, this time in the form of a cavity cover for the center console. This is 3-D printed, so multiple options are available to the driver, and presumably it wouldn't be that difficult to create your own or hire someone to do it for you. Perhaps it could look like the above image but say "I'm a moron and will probably get my head stuck in this at some point" instead. Why not? The world is your frog leg!

All of the featured designs I could locate look similar though, in terms of the lid blanketing about 2/3 of the space, which may make one wonder what happens when whatever you place in the front area inevitably slides backwards beneath the sheath. Note there is no hinge. So do you just pop it off when that happens, and if so, what's the point? Additionally, does no one require cup holders in France? They just jam that glass of Sauvignon between their thighs on the way back from Cannes? Seems odd. Anyway, moving on...

Air bags? Nah, we just need some fancy padding. Concussions aren't real.

Yes, dashboards on the passenger side are effectively useless as an aesthetic anyway, but did they have to make it look like one of those weird Nike sneakers from the 90s? I guess if you're sitting there while the driver is behaving like a maniac, it could be easier to grip onto, though I'm reaching for explanations here. The press release mentions that the interior contains "...a lot of denim fabric made entirely from recycled plastic water bottles," yet this is clearly not that and looks like pleather at best. It'll be doomed after maybe three hours in the sunlight.

Also, the digital aspect on the left side of the photo may as well be what Microsoft would custom design for a stenographer. That thing has Windows written all over it and is distracting me over here on the right side of the car from the beauty of my Chanel-wannabe race stripe-like view. Pretty annoying. Merde! But what's that other thing on the left?

Pièce de résistance!

If you guessed "a baguette holder," congratulations, and don't mind me, I'll just be jumping into the Seine headfirst. Presumably this is a detachable option for those who don't possess an urgent yeasty comestible need at all times, but it truly is a feature you can get. It was even created in conjunction with Marguerite Herlant, apparently a notable basketmaker, which may be the most French thing I've ever heard. She'll probably end up in the Louvre.

Do they not have paper sleeves in this country? It appears to be billed as a way to prevent your seats from collecting breadcrumbs, which again, could have been prevented with a tube-packaging-like concept. There seem to be trillions more obvious solutions to this dilemma. I won't have time to analyze any of them of course, as I will be too busy banging my left knee against a literal bread basket that's invading my space while I say "I think your dashboard is flaking off."

In conclusion, this is not a car-related website, nor is it here to hate on crusty bread or France in general. It is absolutely about noticing when a wicker silo for a common food provision is featured as a premium add-on for a vehicle that is not a bicycle though. That has to warrant a new post, for better or worse. Jeez dude indeed. C'est la vie!