请 & 谢谢

The MIT Spoken Languages Systems Group and the MIT Epidemiology Lab have been investigating the possibility that ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ may be aiding in the spread of COVID-19. A former head of CSAIL (Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory) informed this reporter that both please and thanks begin with what’s termed plosive phonemes. This means that when pronouncing them one exhales sharply, possibly emitting microscopic drops of spittle which, if one is infected, could transmit COVID to the person being addressed. Although research is still ongoing, the former director suggested that as a precaution everyone should begin replacing please and thank you with the Mandarin equivalents: 'Qing' and  'xie xie'. “I recognize there that is a certain irony in using Chinese to replace these English words given the source of the pandemic,but safety, not Jingoism should be our primary concern here," stated the director, "In this time of crisis where people are increasingly frustrated I’d like to reassure them that 'Fuck' is not plosive and hence phrases like 'Fuck off! and 'Fuck you!' remain perfectly safe ways to express one’s feelings insofar as covid frustration is concerned. But each of us should consider that, even though these phrases are being used more frequently; in a divided country of armed citizens, their usage could lead to consequences more severe than a covid infection."