Blather

Well hell, I guess I have to write something on here again, huh? Faced with a void, you may as well throw some shit in there. Black holes require matter to absorb or else they'd be even more boring than they already are. "Ooh, ooh, look at me! I literally suck more than anything in the universe!" Christ, talk about needy.

But you know, landfills don't just clog themselves. Everybody has to shovel a lot of braindead duds out there for those bulldozers to have something to push around and I suppose I'm no different. So, fine:

• You can't tell me the Grinch didn't try to steal Christmas again the following winter. That pointy-eared bastard was never going to maintain a heart so enlarged for an entire year and survive to do the whole dance a second time. Open your eyes, Whoville! He's in your chimneys right now!

• The worst pub appetizer is calamari, right? I hate a lot of what's on those menus but Jesus Christ has that item not aged along with me. It's like a rubbery onion ring, or a breaded synthetic gasket. Even if all those stories about how a lot of calamari is actually pig intestines are 1000% false, please just think of our poor cephalopod friends and maybe get the potato skins instead (but hold the bacon, you monster!).

• Too early to bring up COVID?

• Somehow white whiskers in my mustache were a surprise. The damn things had been popping out of my cheeks and chin for years, but the mustache ones are weird, man. You know how at a certain point those eyebrow hairs start going jihadi on you and there's suddenly hedges growing out of your ears? Those are the same demons that show up on your upper lip and they're as independent and meandering as one of those Bundy jerks who think they own Yellowstone or whatever. Let those rogue hairs grow too long and they'll shiv you in your sleep.

• Fontina is the best cheese for melting. Yeah, I said it. Nachos and pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches have their claims for Colby and mozzarella and American and cheddar and whatever, and there's a time and place for all of them, no doubt. But nothing smooths under heat like my buddy fontina. Swiss has a claim but it smells terrible in bulk. Ever been to a fondue place with a room full of those cheese fountains? That's a YMCA locker room level of funk, friends.

• Does the average person really have any clue how their local sewer works? Like, could there possibly be more than 5% of people in your neighborhood right now who could describe to you exactly what happens after they flush every morning? You press the handle and the waste goes...away. Nobody knows, right? There might as well be a poop fairy as far as most of us are concerned.

• I can tell you that an appetizer that should be more prevalent is fried green tomatoes. They're fucking good! Also a rare form of buttermilk delivery that even I will accept. Yet here I am, stuck with this chewy-ass calamari and these greasy potato skins. It's bullshit, man. And I specifically told them no bacon.

• Bring back the short shorts from the 1970s to the NBA! These guys are five times as handsome as me and seventy times as athletic and deserve to be shamed for those facts in any way possible. This is a perfectly reasonable and normal opinion. I am not a crackpot.

• Wanna talk about COVID yet? Me either. But surely we can agree that the poop fairy deserves her own parade (I'd recommend wearing a mask if you're going though).

Anyway, this has been a post about iffy food and growing old poorly and egos like needy vortexes and people not understanding something as basic as shitting and bygone basketball fads and a bastard ruining Christmas, and has also alluded to a plague that wrecks absolutely everything around it and, no shit, I just now realized I've been writing about the New York Knicks this whole time. Maybe there is something in the universe that sucks more than a black hole after all.