Reigning Supreme

SUPREME COURT BUILDING, INT. WEST CONFERENCE ROOM, PRESENT DAY

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Well, an immigration case was inevitable. It's just a shame we have to weigh it during an election year. 

JUSTICE SAMUEL ALITO: There's not much to weigh. Those drifters are skinny as twigs.

JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS: But there are still too many of them at the southern border. We need more of the type that can afford to buy me houses. 

JUSTICE ELENA KAGAN: That's not the issue at hand. We're debating the way Texas is implementing their border security against those fleeing for their lives. 

JUSTICE BRETT KAVANAUGH: It's called deterrence. Like how a bouncer at the bar works. (burps) One time there was this motherf-

JUSTICE NEIL GORSUCH: Was anyone aware that the concept of deterrence first came to light with Ceasare Beccaria's writings in 1764 and then Jeremy Bentham's in 1781? Essentially, the idea is to punish crime in a such a way as to reduce the future likelihood of it. 

JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT: Wow, and Marie Laveau was born not long after that! I'm sure she would have agreed. 

KAGAN: Who? 

CONEY BARRETT: You know, the Voodoo priestess from New Orlea...oh! I mean, she was...uh, a blues singer. Way ahead of her time. 

JUSTICE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: It just seems extreme to me to be shooting javelins at defenseless migrants from satellites. 

ALITO: It's protecting America! And outer space, which belongs to the U.S. too! 

JUSTICE SONYA SOTOMAYOR: Sam, please. Our country has no dominion over anything outside the atmosphere. The problem for us to solve is that a border state is impaling innocents to prevent their entry and using a private company to do it!  

ROBERTS: (sighing) The fundamental issue we're ruling on is whether a state's government can outsource its security to an outside entity and is therefore not liable for the damages.

KAGAN: Of murder?

ROBERTS: (sighing more loudly) 

KAGAN: Yes, yes, but the "entity" we're discussing is Starlink, run by someone famously known to flaunt laws of all sorts by routine and treats the justice system with pure contempt. 

THOMAS: Which it deserves. Especially if there's no kickback. 

ELON MUSK: I agree. 

SOTOMAYOR: How the hell did you get in here? Is there anything you can't ruin? 

KAVANAUGH: Whoa, it's Elon, paragon of the cosmotron! (hiccups) I haven't seen you since Burning Man! 

GORSUCH: Ah, the cosmotron. How quaint. What is now considered a rudimentary particle accelerator is no more than a lark of history, but it will always have the vector meson. Though I do believe its invention led directly to the civil rights movement, so it was clearly a mistake. 

MUSK: Absolutely. A decades-long hostage-taking by the woke. 

THOMAS: Damn right. 

BROWN JACKSON: Why did I ever want this job? 

ALITO: It's true! This case is just another left-winged sabotage aimed at denying Americans' right to destroy the pathetic serfs who aren't Americans. Bloodsuckers, all of them.

CONEY BARRETT: You mean like vampires? Because my coven has been looking for...oh! I mean...you have a good point there.

KAGAN: I feel like I'm insane.

MUSK: Yeah, can't say I've ever experienced that. Maybe because I have a condition where I can only process smugness and insecurity. Anyway, I have to go. (glancing at his phone) Looks like a Cybertruck just ran over the president.

ROBERTS: (clutching his forehead) Okay, sure. The verdict will be issued in June.

KAVANAUGH: Summertime! Hell yeah! (belches)

MUSK: I'm not worried. Clarence, I wanted to let you know I sent Ginni that Christmas present we discussed.

THOMAS: (grinning) I do love new houses.