The Seven Deadly Sins, Ranked

7) SLOTH

What do you even want me to argue here? Of course this is last. Who gives a damn? Pass the tortilla chips. I'm sure as hell not getting up for them.

6) GLUTTONY

And hand over the salsa too. Nobody fried the chips in lard, did they? The asses. These aren't nearly greasy enough. Feels like I'm in a refugee camp over here.

5) LUST

It's not like I'm going to try and fuck the salsa though. Odd that you'd even mention that. Huh. Hey, is that a papaya and a fruit corer over there? Hmmm...what? No, that doesn't give me any ideas. Shut up!

4) PRIDE

Because I don't need to prove jack shit to you, pal. I know this salsa is excellent, even without the papaya, because I fucking made it! Well, I made the loser on the other end of the phone make it at least. But only I could have inspired him!

3) ENVY

And of course you wish it was you. Oh, like that time you stole my girl and waltzed off with her into your Porsche while I got hit by bus on Lawrence Street? You think I care about any of that, you goddamned bastard? Like I still think about it every goddamned night? Huh?

2) WRATH

Yeah? Fuck you, motherfucker! I don't give a liquid shit about any of that now, because I know how to win without even killing you. I hate you so goddamn much that I actually WANT you to live! I've got arson in my eyes, you piece of shit.

1) AVARICE

So I've stolen everything. Your home, all of your assets. Your wife too! Hell, I think your children are even coming around. I own it all now. Because to be a good sinner is to know how the ladder works. That's the devil in the details, you broke dumbass. And where the hell is the salsa? That's mine too.