The Supremes

ZOOM MEETING, TUESDAY MORNING

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Good morning, everyone! Wait, is it just you so far, Brett?

JUSTICE BRETT KAVANAUGH: (tossing beer can out of view) Whoa, hey! You're kinda early there, Chief!

ROBERTS: I prefer to be prompt, yes. Was that a be-

KAVANAUGH: It was just the last part of a big caseload I've been dealing with! Heh, right? (belches)

ROBERTS: Mmm.

(JUSTICES SAMUEL ALITO and NEIL GORSUCH log on)

ALITO: (squinting) Is that Jesus?

GORSUCH: Ha! No, buddy, that's just this digital filter I'm using on my hair to make it look cur-

ALITO: Harrumph. Sounds Satanic. 

(JUSTICE SONYA SOTOMAYOR logs on)

SOTOMAYOR: Hi everybody! Check this out, I changed my background to look like balloons!

(JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS logs on, says nothing)

(JUSTICE ELENA KAGAN logs on) KAGAN: Good morning, folks. How is everyone today? Oh, Sonya, I love your background image!

GORSUCH: Yeah, but what about my filter? It makes me look like I'm William Cushing! Isn't that great?

ROBERTS: Sure, sure. Now, if we can maybe all co-

ALITO: Are those supposed to be angels? Floating around behind you like that?

KAGAN: You look more like Benedict Arnold, Neil.

SOTOMAYOR: I told you already, they're balloons. The kind you get for a child's birthday. I thought it would be fun. 

THOMAS: Like latex balloons, eh? Reminds me of another form of that concept.

KAVANAUGH: Ha! Good one, Clarence! (belches)

ALITO: A child's birthday? Sounds unconstitutional to me. I dissent. 

ROBERTS: This isn't a ruling, Sam. We're simply trying this remote thing out because I think we're going to need to get used to it for our next term. I was hoping for a sense of comra-

(JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG logs on; a nurse dominates the frame)

NURSE LETITIA COOPER: Sorry, Justice Ginsburg is having some complications at the moment, but everything's fine. She asked me to log in for her.

KAGAN: Is Ruth okay, nurse? We've been quite worried. 

COOPER: (flatlining sound in the background) Oh, yes. Everything's lovely here! (glances backward nervously) She's a real trouper!

GORSUCH: Am I the only one who can't stand Sonya's background image? The graphic design of that balloon montage is so awful, it turned from a carnival to sepia-toned in seconds.

ALITO: Because they're angels, you rookie idiot. They're supposed to be pale.

SOTOMAYOR: Hey boneheads: I turned the background thing off awhile ago. You're just looking at my bland-ass stucco.

(JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER logs on)

BREYER: Sorry I'm late. I was using some device called a Zune that my grandkids gave to me back in the 90s. Even after all these years, it only will play that "Radiohead" noise no matter what I push.

KAGAN: Chief Justice, what was the point of this meeting again? 

BREYER: But my grandson told me that was the wrong thing to use.

ROBERTS: (sighing deeply)

BREYER: You know, back then, those kids told me that little thing was the future, but I could never understand how to make it play Charley Pride. It only played that durned Radiohead. Couldn't order yogurt with it either.

THOMAS: (nodding for the first time in his life) Ah, Charley Pride. "All I Have to Offer You..." is something something. I forget. "A Terrible Verdict," I think.

KAVANAUGH: Hell yeah! (belches)

SOTOMAYOR: Jesus Christ. How is this my life? (logs off)

ALITO: Sure, take the Lord's name in vain and then vanish like some sort of witch! Where are those angels n- (accidentally logs off)

GORSUCH: Speaking of graphic design, don't you think the new Pepsi logo is weird? Who thought that one up?

ROBERTS: (rolling his eyes) Maybe we should try this again next week. It's not like we need to hurry up with democracy these days, right? It can probably wait.

  KAGAN: Seriously? Ch-

COOPER: (slapping GINSBURG repeatedly, flatlining sound still going) WHY DIDN'T YOU RETIRE IN 2014?!?!

BREYER: Did you know Charley used to be a baseball player? A pitcher in the Negro League for both Memphis and Boise in the 50s, and had quite a fastb- ROBERTS: Fascinating stuff. (ends meeting)