The Whites

Dirty undies indeed. But in the wake of the Supreme Court deciding affirmative action is a silly ploy, we may as well talk about being white. Justice Roberts on the decision: "Nothing in this opinion should be construed as prohibiting universities from considering an applicant’s discussion of how race affected his or her life." Sure, dude. Let's talk about how that works out.

Chappelle is weirdly transphobic these days, but he's got us dead to rights on this one. I was once half passed out on my friend's car outside a bar waiting to go somewhere I could sleep properly, and the cops showed up. They prodded me and asked what the fuck I was doing and I told the truth: I'm drunk; my friend is inside; everything is cool. And they were just like, "okay" and sauntered off. What the hell!? My (white) friend then came out of the bar and proceeded to get the gears drive and reverse mixed up and drove off a four foot embankment in the parking lot that wasted his exhaust system and plenty of the car body. So, great detective work in action there, local 5-0.

I nearly got booted from college for arson when I was a freshman. I got arrested the next year for DUI and the cops let me sleep in their gym so I wouldn't have to be in general pop. There was a time I answered my apartment door thinking it was my drug dealer, only for it to be the police grilling me about some break-in that happened down the hall. They talked to me briefly before one detected the scent on my breath, and told me to just go back inside. None of these stories would end so simply if I were black.

Look, affirmative action is a fucked up concept, and it makes sense to be mad about it. But only from one point of view, whitey. Widen your panorama a bit and you might piece together why this is a thing in the first place. Is it unfair to try and expand opportunities for the historically repressed? To try to offer some small crumb of space in the spirit of equality? Goddamn it, can't you see why people are upset? It's the whites, bro. The dirty undies.

We're dumb as granite. As shallow as the mist from a whale's blowhole. Useless. But we sure managed to get some money along the way, right?

Ugh. Fuck us all.