To Supreme or Not Supreme

SUPREME COURT BUILDING, INT. WEST CONFERENCE ROOM, PRESENT DAY

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Okay, we have a big decision in front of us here. And I want to be sure everyone has their say.

JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR: (rolling eyes) Of course you do.

JUSTICE SAMUEL ALITO: You watch it over there! My priest tells me that there's a witch among us in this chamber.

JUSTICE ELENA KAGAN: A witch, Sam? Is this the seventeenth century? Come on.

JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT: (hiding a broom behind her chair) It does seem improbable.

JUSTICE BRETT KAVANAUGH: (belching) What the hell are we deciding again?

ROBERTS: We have deliberations scheduled for the entire afternoon, but right now we need to cut to the chase and get our most important one out of the way. What does everyone want for lunch?

JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS: Anything that's not Jewish.

KAGAN: Look, we've been over this, and it's just so anti-Sem--

JUSTICE NEIL GORSUCH: Did you know that during Second Temple era in Israeli history, the Jews' bread was mostly comprised of wheat? Ironic, yes? Now that the Ashkenazis sport a gluten intolerance nearly a full percentage point above the average population?

ALITO: It figures. They have no fiber in their beings.

ROBERTS: (staring at the wall)

JUSTICE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON: (quietly clearing her throat) So...I know this amazing Jamaican place just a few blocks away...

THOMAS: Are they the one with those Voodoo Veggies I've heard about?

GORSUCH: And the Rastafarian Rice?

BROWN JACKSON: Yes, but those are just silly jokes. The food is actu--

ALITO: Forget it. Too ethnic. Too religious in the wrong way. What about hamburgers?

KAVANAUGH: Hell yeah! I could house a few sliders right now! (belches)

SOTOMAYOR: Sandwiches are fine, but maybe there's something we could all share together? To bond a little before we argue all afternoon?

ROBERTS: (rubbing his temples) Then...how's pizza?

KAGAN: I suppose we could all agree on that. What does everyone prefer for toppings?

THOMAS: Anything, as long as they're free.

ALITO: Sour grapes.

CONEY BARRETT: Eye of a newt.

BROWN JACKSON: Does anyone like mushr...wait, what?

CONEY BARRETT: (glancing side to side nervously) Oh! I said onion shoots. You know, I'm from Louisiana. Just the accent. (pulls at her collar)

KAVANAUGH: Think they have some kind of pie and pilsner special? (hiccups)

GORSUCH: The modern concept of pizza first arose in the Byzantine Empire, did you know that? This was more than 600 years before the English legend, Earl of Sandwich, supposedly introduced a popular deli selection that now exists all around us. Which is fascinating when y--

SOTOMAYOR: I thought we ruled out sandwiches. What do you want on the pizza?

GORSUCH: Blue fin tuna roe or something. Whatever's easy.

ROBERTS: Let's just get one plain and one with all the toppings on it. I think there's a name for the second one, but I forget what. Sound good to everyone?

KAGAN: Perhaps we could get a salad too? I won't eat the pork on the pizza with toppings.

KAVANAUGH: Can we also nail down some beer cheese? Like, a lot of it?

CONEY BARRETT: That would be nice. I have a cast iron cauldron in my office we could use to keep it warm. (eyes widen) Oh! I mean...

ALITO: No onions for me! They smell like Muslims, what with all that spiciness and such.

THOMAS: Green peppers are gay.

BROWN JACKSON: I think I have a Clif Bar in my purse...